how to be more feminine as a black woman
So, this TikTok video caught our attention. I’ll leave the link here .
It’s a short 13 second clip but will transcribe the audio exchange below -
In the video, a small panel of black women and men were discussing femininity.
One of the women said, “There’s no way I can know how to be feminine when I’ve been robbed of the man that is supposed to cater to my feminine being.”
A man responded, “Men who are masculine creatures can’t teach a woman to be feminine.”
When two women disagreed, he retorted, “More better than a woman could?”
I shared this clip with our team, and it was eye-opening to hear the different responses.
But this exchange did bring up several crucial points.
The Feminine Struggle is Real
Femininity is a struggle. And in my experience, I think being more feminine requires 'resting'. Which is hard.
When our team watched the video and started talking and we realized we all had a similar experience growing up.
We were all 'told' that we had to handle it all. That by being black women, we had to be tough to handle this world differently. We recalled moments when we were told crying and appearing feminine was weak and would allow other people to take advantage of you.
Some of us witness our own moms or maternal relatives being taken advantaged of.
Some of us was fortunate not to see this personally but watched enough TV, music videos (Vh1/MTV throwback, anyone?)
, and movies to see how we were supposed to be.
And speaking on movies/television shows, whenever a black woman was a soft, feminine character - she tended to be ditzy or a snob while the rougher around the edge / slight masculine woman was smart and the ones we should aspire to be
And even as Christians, we went through the world carrying this invisible stress that we're ill-equipped to carry. Almost as if being perceived as weak was this horrible abomination. Along with carrying this weight, we also learned the art of protecting ourselves in a way that would remove any hint of weakness or fragility.
We were taught to always be in a fight mode, and sometimes we didn't know when to turn off
And we were just tired of it all.
We just wanted to be the damsel in distress. We wanted to be the ones being taken care of. Not in a childish way, but in a loving way. We just wanted another place to feel safe.
But the men in the video are right. It's not their job to help us feel safe, it's ours
(lol, no surprise - another thing we have to do 🥲 but this will help!)
how to be more feminine as a black woman
Well, it starts by reclaiming the woman we were told to hate.
The woman who reminded us of our limitations, and embrace her because we aren't both masculine and feminine. We're feminine beings.
By being born women, we are feminine. So we should claim that. We'll leave the masculine for the men
And the next thing is surrendering the control I think I have and giving it back to God. Reminding myself that I can't outthink any circumstance all I can do is my best and leave the rest to God.
And I will not out-hustle the Lord.
Instead, I choose to spend time on His word and who He called me to be.
This involved meditating on biblical verses like Matthew 6:33 reminded me that God is in charge and 1 Peters 5:7.
I also started to lean into the idea of the sabbath. Resting in the Lord's hands reminded me that I am not equipped to carry all the burdens of this world on my own shoulders. That's the Lord's.
I just need to rest in His embrace. And by doing so, I also learned to accept the woman that I wanted to reject.
The next thing I had to do what change how I dressed .
Does dressing more feminine really make me feminine?
Yes. We have an entire blog post here where we talk about why feminine dressing matters.
I don't want to downplay how important this is. Dressing more femininely will help you be more feminine.
We like to believe that people do not judge based on image, but that's simply not true.
And this is especially true for black women. When I started embracing my femininity, it was a struggle to find styles that softened my appearance without being too sexualized.
I avoided a lot of corset dresses and the super tight and feminine dresses because I did not want to be viewed as over-sexualized (and often times, we still see that today. Corset dresses with push up bras that are more sexualized than feminine and classy)
I refused sweats, leggings and crocs and opt for classier mini dresses, blouses and jeans with flats.
And yes, I can hear you say that clothing shouldn't matter. And typically this is followed by a story about women who wear sweats and are inherently feminine and give off a feminine aura.
And while that is true - I see them as exceptions. I am not the exception. But in my experience, when I changed my wardrobe - the response was wild.
I remember going from being single and shy and invisible to being pursued by multiple men. I even had one of the men informed me that he was looking for a wife. (i was shocked, I never had this happen to me before )
And what I believe because I dressed differently than what they expected, I was different. I became the exception.
And a lot of black feminine coaches and feminine gurus describe a femininity for black women that is more reflective of African culture and pride.
The argument is that traditional femininity is a reflection of European values and not inclusive to black America. And if you follow the rabbit hole long enough, feminine energy comes. I', not going to spend time on this post talking about it because I've already written post about the dangers of feminine energy and how the divine feminine is just demonic.
We do not believe in feminine energy because we believe that if God created you as a woman, you are inherently feminine.
Sure, you may have been masculine in some settings but that doesn't erase your femininity. And our brand is all about bring that femininity out through fashion.
How Tiana Bay Helps You Be More Feminine as a Woman
My sister and I build this brand because of our experiencing being black women and our own personal struggles with femininity.
We understand the profound connection between how you dress and how you feel.
And we’re not the only ones, psychologists have an entire field dedicated to how what we wear and how it impacts our life.
And the process is similar to the concept of a vision board - by creating a mental image of what you want to accomplish, scientists discovered that our brain will look for any opportunity to make our mental image a reality.
So when you choose to wear feminine clothes, and look into a mirror, you are creating a mental image and your brain is going to confirm.
Dressing more feminine also serves as a rededication to your feminine journey. When you decide each day to wear something feminine, it serves as a daily reminder of your identity and values.
But more importantly, dressing more feminine makes a statement to yourself about how you really are.
That you are strong and capable but also soft, delicate and vulnerable. You don't have to discredit your womanhood, nor should you, but you don't have to prove it either.
That you are strong and capable but also soft, delicate and vulnerable. You don't have to discredit your womanhood, nor should you, but you don't have to prove it either.
It's not just clothes, or is it?
One of the major objections we hear is that clothes do not make a woman feminine, but how she carries herself.
Again we’re not saying that clothes are the sole reason why a woman is feminine, it’s one of the main reasons why she is perceived as more feminine than others.
Remember, to a point we alluded to earlier, if God made you a woman, you are inherently feminine.
But let’s do a little activity, when it comes to feminine women, who comes to mind? For me, it's Princess Catherine or Dorothy Dandridge.
Both women ooze feminine and class in their appearance, speech, and posture.
I don't know anything about their personality but they're pretty, feminine and classy, and it's because of how they present themselves.
And here’s the powerful takeaway from their presentation, once a woman make that impression stick - it’s hard to not see them as feminine.
Join our movement
And the second reason why we're choosing fashion - well, because fashion and the media had played their part in creating an image of black women as hyper sexualized, hyper independent women who were too strong for relationships or families.
So our brand was created to challenge that narrative. To challenge the masculization of women in our society.
It’s personal for us. We talk about the spiritual and mental work for any woman who wants to be more feminine but also we step into the physical world and talk about what it looks like to dress more feminine.
We curated and design a collection of high-quality, classy, and playful styles designed to help women like you feel soft, delicate, and pretty -reclaiming the woman in her she was told to hate.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made on purpose. And we don’t ever want you to feel less than. So that’s why we work hard to provide you with the styles that will empower you. And we hope you will join our community of like-minded women who are also navigating the balance of work, life, and personal growth. Share your experiences, uplift each other, and find strength in our shared stories.
Together, we can redefine what it means to be soft, delicate, feminine as a black woman and empower each other to live our best lives.
Valerie, Co-Founder of Tiana Bay
My sister and I started Tiana Bay with a goal to help women reclaim their femininity with a curated collection of high-quality, classy, and playful styles. Our brand was created out of frustration to how black women were negatively portrayed in the media and our goal is to challenge the negative stereotypes surrounding black women and femininity
What Women Are Saying About Us
"I’ll admit I was hesitant because I had never heard of this boutique but it had the perfect dress for my daughters christening at a great price! Well I was pleasantly surprised! The communication about the order was top notch customer service and it got here so quickly! Then I opened it up and the quality was there! It has good weight to it and fine detail! Definitely was a good purchase! Highly recommend!.”
At Tiana Bay, we believe that dressing feminine is more than clothes. It's about embracing our God-given femininity, how we feel about ourselves and how we show up in the world. Growing up, my sister and I struggled to find soft feminine clothing that reflected the women we wanted to become. So, we started a feminine clothing brand to help you feel soft, delicate and beautiful while challenging the negative cultural stereotypes. We want to help you celebrate the strength and beauty that lies within a woman who knows she was born for such a time as this.
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